“Do you suppose that it is like ven you vere 12?” The earnest psychotherapist Dr Hans Pfister stroked his beard, “That moment ven you vont to go in a Sveet schop but know that you must give up on youthful pleasures! Perhaps zis sudden increase in innuendo is because you know ze gate is shutting on part of your life!”

“I’m not sure I understand” said Archie, who had not been listening but casually observing a large pair of breasts belonging to the elderly shrink’s secretary, Miss Norks, which were passing in the corridor behind the glass window.

“In ze sweet schop. It is acceptable for a boy who is 8, to say Mama I vont to lick upon a chocolate starfish! But ven you are a teenager, this is shaming, not appropriate, childlike! Sveet-time is over.”

Archie was listening now and could feel a rush of forbidden laughter rising in his chest at the mention of chocolate starfishes. He couldn’t resist goading the innocent old fool. “I’m not sure I understand…”

“Vell let us stretch the analogy, my favourite candy ven I was a boy was der Gefrorene Zehen, ‘Frozen toes!!!’ As a small boy I vould cry unless my mutter gave me some. But now if Miss Norks had any, I could not ask her to let me suck upon her frozen toes, because I’m not a child!”

Archie felt the blood rise, a surge of heat coursed through his body. His desire to roar with laughter suppressed only by his need not to offend the innocent old professor who seemed completely out of his depth

“It is like this, you haff reported to me that while people once laughed at your double-entendres, they don’t anymore! But you should understand that this vos ven you had ze floppy hair und lowly position, now you are a deputy headteacher, ze times haff changed, you haff changed, unt you must act differently. But you are sad to leave yourself behind.

So it follows zat if my secretary came in with a bag of those golden coins you get at Christmas you could not anymore say “Miss Norks let me put my tongue upon your tuppenny bit!!”

At this point Archie was gone, his face purple, his nose full of snot, he may even have produced a little semen. He couldn’t let the professor or Miss Norks see him like this, so he mumbled something about an appointment and rushed from the room with tears of laughter upon his cheeks.

When he got home, Archie who had eventually stopped laughing, cleaned himself up and then sat down sadly and thought seriously about the session. It had cost £200 for only 10 minutes of therapy, but he now saw that the old man was right. It was time to become a more serious human being. Especially as he loved his wife and would never act in a sexually inappropriate way with anyone.

Back in the office Dr Pfister reclined on his patients chaise-longue whilst Miss Norks administered fellatio. “Was it a good session?” she asked matter-of-factly when she’d finished.

“Yes thank you” said Dr Pfister “Most satisfactory, I do not think he will need to, uh’m…. come again.”

And Miss Norks couldn’t help but observe a twinkle in the old professor’s eye.