Parrot Doble.

by Dan

Cap’n Bradleigh Salterton, skipper of the Seahorse was exhausted. His latest parrot, who insisted on being addressed as “Twinkleclawed Dance Leviathan Craig Revel Horwood”, was training him up for the Strictly Come Hornpiping Hallowe’en Special in which he would compete against other Pirates for a treasure chest from the Spanish Main. His bitter enemies Blackbeard, Fakebeard, the female pirate and clumsy 25 stone buccaneer Eggbeard were all competing too.

Horwood was a stern taskmaster and the latest session, to the merriment of Bradleigh’s crew was not going well. “Those toes darling!” shuddered the sharp-tongued Psittaforme, “A pigeon wouldn’t thank you for them!” Salterton tried again, pirouette to the left, hop to the right. It was hard with crossed arms. “No, no, no” exclaimed his feathered tormentor “Halloween is quite scary enough without the sight of your nobbly knees knocking! Once more! With Style!”

By lunchtime Bradleigh was sure that if he never heard a concertina again it would be too soon, his feet were cut to ribbons and every muscle ached. He chewed a pickled herring (part of his unappetising dancer’s diet) sadly. Meanwhile Horwood enjoyed a tasty treat of Belgian Chocolate plundered by Salterton only a week before.

Things were no better on Fakebeard’s ship, her dance teacher had not yet managed to persuade her to be more ladylike and follow rather than leading. Both were doing tolerably however compared to Blackbeard, who had two left wooden legs. Sharks made a beeline for his ship as petrified dance teachers were dispatched to the plank.

The Parrot had extra motivation to win. His identical twin brother Gary had been appointed chief judge despite Craig being the more renowned dancer and was now acting in a very haughty manner at family gatherings. If Craig could get an idiot like Salterton to win it would prove who the star of the family really was. He continued to work the unfortunate pirate like a dog.

On the night Fakebeard scored a 3, 4, 4 and 5 and Blackbeard, a stunningly consistent 4 noughts. Bradleigh gave it his all, remembered his steps and got two 7s and an 8, making up for the 3 issued by the parrot’s churlish twin. The laughable Eggbeard took to the floor, only he stood between Horwood and the prize of humiliating his brother.

The stunned crowd gasped as, with a straight back and unusual elan, Eggbeard demonstrated that he was born to dance! “10, 10, 10, 10”. The judges were unanimous. He stood triumphant crying tears of joy as he was crowned. Bradleigh Salterton, relieved it was over all soaked in a relaxing bath with loofah, shower cap and rubber duck.

Blackbeard however wasn’t happy, he’d come to win! He vowed to take his revenge on the judges but alas they were alerted to his approach and fled their dressing room.

As he left the theatre though, he saw one of them, or at least he thought he did. That small feathery green one was sitting alone at the bar crying into his beer. With a swish of his mighty cutlass he slit the chest of Twinkleclawed Dance Leviathan Craig Revel Horwood from gullet to Gizzard. “That’ll teach you for giving me a zero” he cried, before returning to his ship and vowing never to dance again.

Feedback