Next time you hear strange sounds emanating from your pipework you’ll know what it is.

But how did it come to this?

There were many sources: Spiders and shield beetles; potato blight; the mould on an old cheese; nits off the kids hair; a not quite dead goldfish; some seeds; mud off a highland walking boot; a furball coughed out by a cat; an apple core; something that lives in the phlegm you’ve just coughed up. They all went down and they’ll come back up again.

Then there’s the stuff that’s down there already; rats; blind insects who live in Human faeces; trapped sparrows; crocodiles and panthers who were flushed away in the 70s; the eyeless descendants of lost Victorian sewerage workers:

it was only a matter of time before they’d become immune to domestos, only a matter of time before they’d breed, only a matter of time before they’d evolve into what we now call a super species. It’s ironic that it’s our use of Ecover washing up liquid (with it’s dangerous cocktail of c223454324 chromosomes) has speeded that process.

When they burst out it isn’t always how people imagine. It’s not always a sudden explosion in your sink and immediate carnage and Just placing grids over your pipework only moves the problem elsewhere. Last week some of them broke through the drainage under Roath Rec and chased Llanrumney under 9s into the community centre. Their goalie hasn’t been seen since, not that the press are allowed to report that!

Call them monsters if you will but they are our own doing, our own shadows.

And it needn’t be such a problem! There is actually nothing dangerous about consuming them, humans can’t be harmed (as long as you cook them properly), I’ve tried them and they’re a tasty and adequate replacement for most meat products. A sort of cross between bacon and turkey. Ideal at Christmas.

We could farm them, instead of secretly spending millions on drainage systems that keep them trapped but increase risks down the line, we should be sending husbandry experts in to establish a breeding programme. On this overcrowded Earth shouldn’t we utilise all our resources?

On GMB, Piers Morgan kept interrupting me, he said I was woke, Guardian reading hypocrite for ignoring that vegans, Megan Markle and transsexuals, flush their waste too and said you couldn’t call meat farmed from these creatures “steaks”. I was trying to say we could all flush more under the farming scheme but he kept butting in and I couldn’t get my point across.

No one in the science community argues against my proposals anymore but the waste lobby is massive and frankly they don’t want lose revenue by turning the sewers over to farming so nothing will happen.

The government’s proposed target of “some vague unspecified action by 2050” will be much too late.

We’re not helped by hippies dressing as lizards dancing round Trafalgar square singing “Drainage Creatures don’t want fuss, they have feelings just like us!”

So all in all we are failing to get any traction in prioritising issue of Drainage life forms.

But I warn you, unless we start to tackle this issue soon we’ll be facing an environmental disaster that will make Global Warming look tame in comparison.