Feel it still

by Dan

Malcolm Teddington, Host of “Sing Something Simple” died on January 8th at 5.01am. A stalwart since The Light Programme, his show had been whittled from 5 afternoons a week down to the 3AM slot on Mondays. He’d signed off with his catchphrase “The Music keeps us spinning!”, delivered his trademark avuncular chuckle and was discovered in his chair the following morning, headphones still on, draped in a tartan blanket with a half-eaten box of Turkish delight by his side.

“Thought he’d never die!” said Dougal, the producer, as they entered the fusty studio a week later kicking snow off their boots. He was furious at having at being stuck in a blizzard because the powers that be thought it was a “nice touch” to record Alys’s first show from Malcolm’s fabled studio.

“I didnt know he actually recorded it from a castle” said Alys who’d come from 6music as part of the slate of younger, more diverse radio2 talent, Dougal wasn’t listening… “Jeez Would’ye look at his collection!” he sighed

Piled on the floor were countless records.

“Amazing!” said Alys vaguely “What a ledge”! She’d dreamed of something cooler but had taken the job because there didn’t seem to be much prospect of MaryAnne Hobbs dying. “Some gems here I bet”.

“Doubt it” Snorted Dougal staring at the cover of “She” by Gordon Kaye from “Allo Allo” who was posing in front of the “Fallen Madonna with the big boobies”. Elsewhere the Band of the Coldstream Guards glared morosely from their “Tribute to Queen“.

Dougal fiddled with some leads and they were ready to go.

Alys started her carefully prepared “populist yet contemporary” playlist with a hit by Portugal the Man.

Except, ….. though it sounded like that song, the insistent rhythm and high-pitched vocal were replaced by the overstrung piano of 50s novelty act Mrs Mills. Undeterred Alys tried the next song, Pharell Williams’s “Happy” only to find it’s singer was Ken Dodd and it segue’d into his own hit “Happiness”.

Her playlist continued, the songs she’d chosen yes, but now performed by James Last, Des O’connor and, on one unbearable occasion, The Krankies .

Even more strangely, though the links between records were clearly being delivered by Alys, in her own voice, she found herself speaking authoratively about encounters she’d had with the “late, great Russ Conway” who she hadn’t actually heard of. She and Dougal seemed powerless to stop or affect the broadcast which finally ended when she signed-off in time-honoured Teddington tradition. “The music keeps us spinning!”

Banging her head on the desk, Alys prepared for her inevitable future making tea for Nemone. But then the strangest thing of all happened, critics loved it! “Single-handedly re-inventing the cheese genre”, they rejoiced. “A post-modern Wurlitzer of twentieth century Schlock!” they trumpeted.

When Alys and Dougal stood on the stage holding statues aloft in triumph at the National Radio Awards, Somewhere in a castle in Scotland you could hear, if you listened carefully, a trademark avuncular chuckle.

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